On Trying to Try

Some people always write everything down. I was never one of those people. With the major exception of a few periods of chronic oversharing on various defunct social media platforms (RIP livejournal and every hope and dream crushed within your digital pages) I never felt compelled to document every major milestone or minor detail of what was happening in my life or swirling around in my mind. Not even in a hand-written journal for my eyes only, especially not in a hand-written journal for my eyes only.

If this newsletter is any indication, it’s a testament to how infrequently I’m moved to commit thoughts to text. It can be explained away in a myriad of ways --lack of time, energy, all of the executive dysfunction required to start a task, focus on a task and complete a task etc. But the number one inhibiting factor for me by a mile is insecurity. The kind of self-censoring fury that can only come from not believing in the validity of your thoughts, even if you’re the only one seeing them on the page, especially if you’re the only one seeing them on the page. Even after a flurry of bylines in nationally known publications, I can’t get myself to scribble words deeper than a grocery list on my notes app. It’s as if I need the praise of a renowned editor or thousands of followers cheering on to give me permission to share a thought or tell a story. It’s an impulse I’m trying to fight against now more than ever. I am trying not to care.

I recently stumbled upon some old essays I forgot I had the courage to write. They were lying dormant on my desktop for over five years. I don’t know if it’ll ever exist in a form beyond a word doc but I’m relieved they exist at all. They were part of a larger project. One that never happened but almost did. Almost as in one publishing professional took an interest in it but no one else in the industry did. All it takes is just one “No” to decimate a dream. (which is why you shouldn’t make anything for anyone but yourself in the first place - a lesson I’m still struggling to learn).

But if you’re anything like me you remain haunted by “almost.” Does “almost” mean “you’re so close try again” or “you’re so close, but you’ll never make it”. I’m still not sure But I’m trying to try regardless.

One thing I do know is that a little encouragement goes a long way. Here’s something else I’m also trying to do more of this year: If I remotely enjoy any book, music, media or any type etc. I try to let the person behind it know that they made something meaningful. Especially debut authors or indie artists. A review, a comment, an email as a token of gratitude that their art and more importantly their EFFORT matters. They continued to say yes and probably faced a lot of people saying no along the way, and ultimately they succeeded.

(I swear I will actually post some of these recommendations in this space soon).